well well well....long time ......

so the news is i am getting married. i mean the guy has been finalized, the date is still to be fixed.
i should be happy.. but i donno if i am. i know i am being mean to the guy who has fallen in love with me. he says he loves me every day but then why it is so difficult for me to say this little words to him? it is because i am afraid. afraid that he will go away? or because i still havent fallen in love with him. i guess its both. all my insecurities are back.
why am i getting married in the 1st place? i guess because my folks back home want me to..me seeing all my friends settling down left right and centre...or probably because i want to escape from my present life........i think its both..
i want to be happy and make him happy. but what is happening to me????who ever said about being super excited once u know u r to be married!! where's my excitement? why do i still feel low?
who m i asking these questions..i know i have to search the answers myself. just wanted to vent it out...

i hope by the time i post my next blog i will be happy.

m in chennai now.came here on work. feeling really lonely and sad.just feel like crying all the time. i dont know if i want to do my job ..want to be in the place i m now...infact i donno what i want from life...nothing is working out the way i want them to.

i have moved around so many places in th elast 8 years that i feel i really do not belong to any place!! i become comfortable in a place.. make friends.. and next what ??ohh.. life suddenly takes me to  new place. i m now afraid to get attached to anybody coz i always have this voice at the back of my mind..they wont be here for long..
what ever i like or love just vanish after a point of time.
i m not sure if th epeople who wished me b'day this year will be there next year around. infact i m not sure that the guy who stayed awake till 12 to wish me will be around next year..
probably i give that impression that i dont care but i do .i really do.. it's just my insecurities which hold me back before i get too attached...

For once i got rid of the iron shakles which had been binding me for long...as long as i can remember..
and what did i do ??go all the way with this guy. yeah we made love.
well he was not a random person. he had been a class mate and never did i see him as anything other then a friend.though i must admit i had a lil crush on him...
then we met after a year and sparks flew...i feel i have lived a lifetime in the few days we were together. i felt free i felt alive. i felt as if even i matter. and i didnt stop myself this time. i told myself..let me take each moment at a time..enough of living life by plans. no more planning now.
i knew i would be seeing him after that, i was leaving town. probably that was one more reason to go ahead with whatever was happening.
but i dont love him nor does he..we r in touch now but i know it wont be for long. ..
do i feel guilty?? no i dont. becoz for once i have realized what it is like to be held so close..so that u can hear each others heartbeats.

hi all...
my boring life has become very eventful suddenly..and i wanna share itwith u all. watch this space for more.